I’m a satellite heart ~ lost in the dark ~ spun out so far

I've been quiet lately. Dealing with my cold that still won't go away; it's been almost 2 months now and it's still lingering. I've been completely exhausted these last 2 weeks and have been sleeping as much as I can.

I'm sure that work has something to do with this tiredness, I’ve been getting so much done which is good but some days are very stressful. The other thing contributing to my exhaustion I’m sure is the Vancouver winter. This past week it has been pouring out, rain all day although it’s been around 10 degrees all week. It is wonderful to go outside in mid January and not have to wear a scarf, or mitts or even socks with my summer flats. I guess you need some good to go with the bad.

The other reason I’ve been quiet is that I’ve been dealing with oh so much anger lately. My due date is fast approaching and this is hitting me hard. I knew that it would but when I miscarried, the end of February seemed so far away. And now it’s just around the corner.

And it seems again that pregnancy and babies are all around me. And reminders of it all as well.

James and I have been talking more about the pregnancy, the miscarriage and what we have lost/gained. This is such a messed up situation, I thought infertility sucked hard but this is just cruel. I have cried so much this week. I have been so mad that I have wanted to scream until my throat bleeds. And all the while I have felt so completely lost.

Lost.

Lost.

Lost.

And so I am silent. I am trying to heal. But most of all I am trying to find a way to feel alive again. In all honesty I don’t think I’ve felt truly alive in more than 4 years. And that also makes me sad and tired and desolate.