A bit of soul searching.

A few days ago I realized that I have spent so much of the past two months thinking about our infertility and the miscarriage that I haven’t spent any time thinking about our pregnancy. I know that may sound weird but let me explain.

The reaction that I have been getting the most as I tell more people about the miscarriage is always something like this:

“You were pregnant! That’s so amazing."
“You guys got pregnant on your own, that is so fantastic!”

And I was always thinking that they missed the point; that I had a miscarriage ~ that I lost our baby.

But maybe it’s me that missed the point.

I was pregnant. We did conceive on our own. And that is fantastic. It did happen and maybe it can happen again.

And so I have spent the last few days really thinking about our pregnancy. What it was like and how I’m ready to be pregnant again. I’ve also been thinking lots about that little baby. For me, I’ve been waiting for my child for years, decades really. And so I don’t think of losing that baby as an end.

There are many women out there that see miscarriage as a loss of life. They can’t think of giving their next baby the same hat they knit, or of using the name they had picked out. And I can completely understand that. But for me that wasn’t Baby 1 that I was pregnant with and my next pregnancy will be with Baby 2. It will still just be my baby, the same will hold true if our child comes to us through adoption. And again maybe it’s because I’ve been waiting for so long for this sweet child. I’ve had its names picked out for longer than I can remember. And maybe the fact that I miscarried so early in my pregnancy has some bearing on this. I didn’t have the chance to feel my baby kicking and didn’t see its sweet little face on the ultrasound.

And so for me, my baby is still out there waiting for the right time to come and join us. And that feels so right to me. I will wait for as long as I can to meet you sweet Little Boo. Mommy loves you.