Dear James,
I love you to pieces. I know that things have been hard lately but they will get better. Thank you for getting me through the miscarriage. And thank you for staying positive with me.
Dear Family,
I love you so much and miss you terribly. When I told you the sad news your reactions were perfect and just what I needed. But now, 3 months later, you’ve not once brought it up. You’ve not asked me how James and I are doing or told me you’re here for me if I need to talk. And that really hurts. But maybe you don’t realize that you can say those things. Or that you won’t hurt me by asking me. I think I need to let you know these things; it will be much better for both of us. See you soon!!
Dear Body,
WTF. Seriously? Seriously!? So it takes you 2 ½ years to get knocked up and then you suck so bad that you can’t even do that right. And now… you are showing signs of my endometriosis again. I mean how much pain do you think I can handle? Really I would like us to be friends now ok? Let’s work together to get pregnant so we can both shut the fuck up already. Deal? Pretty please?
Dear Friends (both IRL & online),
Thank you so much for supporting me through all of this. You have no idea how much you listening to my crap has meant to me. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad that you are in my life. You have a beautiful soul.
Dear “Friends” (both IRL & online),
I’m not really sure how to take your silence. When I told you about the miscarriage you didn’t say anything to me. Not a word. Not even weeks later. And I get that maybe you don’t really realize just what a miscarriage truly means, or maybe you don’t know what to say. But really in times like this you don’t need to say anything other than “I’m sorry” or simply “Hugs”. So now I’m thinking that your lack of anything means you’re not really my friend. And I don’t think that I’ll miss you at all.
Dear Dr J,
I can’t believe how awesome you are. I know we’ve had our differences in the past especially when I initially went to you to ask for a referral because I knew something was wrong. But last month when I went for my physical you were so perfect. When I told you about my miscarriage and you shrugged it off and said that I was still young your recovery was great. You paused for a moment and then said the best thing that anyone has said to me during my whole recovery time. You simply said “Don’t take it personally when people say stupid things to you. Even if it’s someone you love, or your Dr. If they haven’t had a miscarriage they have no clue. No matter how much they care…. They just don’t.” Dr J, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Dear Stupid Ass People Who Say Stupid Ass Things,
Fuck Off. I know that I’ve been in this category myself sometimes but when you find out someone has lost their pregnancy don’t say any of the following: “It wasn’t a real baby” “Congratulations! You can always get pregnant again.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “You made the wrong decision.” And the best….. “How could you not know that the baby stopped developing?”
Dearest Little Boo,
I still cry when I think of you. I miss you beyond words and back. I know in my heart that we will be together again soon. And until that time Mommy and Daddy love you and will wait patiently for you. Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
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Melanie, I'm so sorry. I love this, what a great way to get out all of your feelings to everyone in your life. One of my worst fears is also that when it finally happens we could miscarry - I can't even imagine how you feel. Hang in there, you're awesome. *Hugs*
ReplyDelete-April
Be gentle with yourself and give yourself what you need from others - miscarriage is so cloaked in silence that sometimes finding like-minded people with a similar history is the only way to feel like you have a voice. I hope at some point our whispers in chatrooms and blogs will inspire dialogue, but in the meantime as you find yourself in the darkness (the midnight in the sun so to speak)it's often best to leave that for another day and not go there and wonder about others reactions or what it may or may not mean...
ReplyDeleteI will say that at some point I did say it happened for a reason (and in my case happened more than once) because it all does happen for a reason, but that doesn't make it okay or better or fair. It sucks, it will always suck and I say that at 39 weeks pregnant.
Besides, those words can certainly not be spoken by anyone but the couple going through this heartache, I could have literally punched every single person that said that to me but I found great solace when I myself arrived at a place where I could allow myself that truth.
I'm sorry I'm all over the place, I'm tired and even having gone through it - you never know what to say or how to say it.
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI cried reading your letters. I haven't had a miscarriage so I don't understand what you've been through. But I know people who have and I have seen the pain in their eyes and hearts.
And I thank you for sharing your thoughts as well. I don't know anything to say that can ease that pain and heartache.
But my heart is with you and I hope that you can draw comfort from those who love you. I wish all good things for you and your hubby.
Melanie